Helping Young Girls Deal with Relational Drama

Academic struggles. High-energy boys. Negative attitudes about school. Apathy. Every class comes with its own unique set of issues—and we feel more equipped to deal with some of them than others.

One year in my teaching career, the main pervasive issue was relational drama amongst the girls. This was due to a number of factors. First, there were a lot of girls. Second, there were a lot of strong personalities that didn’t mesh well. And third, there were already years of past conflict that simmered under the surface, causing eruptions to happen far more frequently than they would have needed to.

I had a lot of moments that year where I didn’t know what to do or say in the face of yet another round of disagreements and hurt feelings. But I also learned a lot that year about what does and does not tend to work when dealing with issues of this sort.

Of course, every situation is different. What didn’t work for me might actually work for you—and vice versa. But perhaps the following thoughts can be helpful to you if you find yourself dealing with similar situations on a regular basis.

What Didn’t Work

Talking to both sides of an argument at the same time.

For the first few months, I made this mistake way too often. Something would happen at recess and one of the girls would come in crying. She would say another girl was to blame for her tears, so I would call that girl into the room as well and try to “get to the bottom” of what had happened.

This didn’t work well because often, their views of reality were completely opposed to each other. Girl A would tell me what happened and Girl B would flat-out deny it—each one likely painting themselves in the most angelic light they possibly could. That put me in an impossible position where I didn’t know what had actually happened, and any action I took would look like I was choosing sides.

Instead, I found it worked much better to talk to them individually. They were less likely to feel the need to defend themselves as strongly if the other party wasn’t in the room. The atmosphere was less emotionally charged. And I could respond to each girl the way she needed me to in that moment—you talk differently to someone who’s in tears versus someone who’s angry.  

Saying things that made the girls feel guilty.

How we talk to students about their areas of struggle is important. Sometimes it was easy to think that if I could just read the perfect story or present the perfect devotional, these girls would see the error of their ways, have a change of heart, and all would be fixed.

There may be some situations where young girls need to be given explicit teaching about why they should treat each other kindly. However, I found that for these girls who had been raised in Christian homes their whole lives, this was not the most helpful approach. They already knew how they ought to treat people, and they actually did have hearts that wanted to do better (at least most of the time).

What they actually needed was not to be preached at about the importance of kindness and love, but to be given practical guidance on how to actually live that out in their day-to-day lives. (More on what this looks like later).

Not engaging.

Again, this is very situational. There are definitely times when adults getting too involved in children’s conflict can actually make the situation worse. A lot of wisdom is needed in deciding when to engage.

But sometimes, I didn’t deal with things when they came up, either because I wasn’t present enough to notice it or I was too tired or I just hoped if I ignored it, it would go away.

In general, some level of engagement is usually best, even if it’s just telling them, “I noticed you had a disagreement. I trust the two of you to be able to figure it out. If you can’t, I’m here to help.”

What Did Work

Listening.

Often, just making someone feel heard can ease the sting of a painful interaction and be enough to ease the tension. Even in times when I did still need to get involved, listening was an essential first step.

Partway through the school year, I tried something unconventional. I made a schedule of “daily meetings.” Each afternoon at recess, whichever girl’s name was on the schedule for that day would stay back and talk to me for a few minutes. With the amount of girls in the class, it worked out that each one was talking to me about every two weeks.

It was very open-ended—they could talk to me about anything. Some girls would come with their mental list of ways they had been wronged. I would listen to their complaints about other girls, but I was careful not to affirm their angst. Instead, I would challenge them to think about their role in the conflict. “I know that’s what she did, but we’re talking about you right now,” I would often say.

Other girls, who tended to be less intense or further removed from the drama, rarely had anything to say. However, I still found it so valuable to check in with them regularly, as they often got less of my time and energy than the more drama-prone girls did. It was a wonderful opportunity to get a bit of face time with each girl and affirm the ways I saw them doing well with relationships.

Interestingly, the longer these scheduled meetings went on, the less drama we seemed to have. Sometimes I wondered if some of what made certain girls come running to me for every little slight was actually just a desire to be heard and loved by their teacher. Carving out intentional time to listen and love helped them to feel more secure.

Compelling the girls to take personal responsibility.

Once I discovered this tactic, it was an absolute game-changer. Whenever a girl would bring an accusation against another girl, I would respond, “I’m sorry she treated you that way. But you’re not responsible for her actions. All you can control is how you respond.”

Then we would brainstorm together to think of ways that she could respond with kindness and love. First of all, I think this was important because it taught them not to become victims. Secondly, it allowed me to work with each girl to identify her role in a conflict. And thirdly, it took away the feeling of helplessness that can be so overwhelming when we feel mistreated and instead gave an actionable step towards improving the situation.

Of course, there were times when another student’s problematic behavior had to be addressed as well. But I would leave that for a different conversation.

Helping them take concrete, actionable steps towards resolution.

Once you’ve established a child’s responsibility to control their response, you can coach them in what that might look like. I had girls who would write a note saying something they appreciated about another girl. I had girls who knew they should walk away from a situation when they felt themselves getting angry. I had girls who kept a list of all the positive interactions they had with someone they struggled to get along with. I had girls who took ownership to apologize for things they had done. I had girls who tried to be more intentional in including those who were marginalized.

This may seem like a lot of work—and it is. But approaching conflicts with this mindset actually helps the girls build skills of relating to others, which is a gift you give them for the rest of their lives.

Calling them to the way of Jesus.

“Love your enemies” was the guiding mindset I tried to keep in front of us at all times. “Jesus knows you better than you know yourself,” I would tell the girls. “And He knows the way to true life and happiness. And so if He says that responding in love to those who hurt us is the best way—then we need to take Him seriously.”

It didn’t take long before all I would have to say to an affronted girl was, “How do you think Jesus would want you to respond?” She would get a little smile on her face and know exactly how to answer. Then I would say, “So what do you think loving her looks like in this situation?” Often, she would know how to answer that question, too.

Guiding young girls in relational conflict can be a daunting and exhausting task. But it’s an important one. Yes, some of their petty tendencies will dissolve as they get older. However, in these formative years, they are building relational habits that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. Perhaps you can be a loving adult who helps to shape them in the way of Jesus.